Some good things to do with an Internet addiction
"The Joy of Quiet," a story by Pico Iyer in the NY Times (29 Dec. 2011) resonates with something I proposed a week ago at a Christmas party.
I'd been talking about plans to go away for a few weeks to finish a novel in draft. As usual, when such an idea is broached, people were quick to say things such as, "Hey, I know a great place on the coast down south" or "My uncle has a yacht crewed entirely by world-class lady beach volleyball players winding down between tournaments." That kind of thing is all very well, but what I really need is somewhere barren of interesting people to chat to (including beach volleyball players), at least one room with a blank wall and no view of wonderful scenery and, most important of all, no Internet connection. In fact, I'd been thinking of some grubby little upcountry hotel here in Thailand.
This is not mere eccentricity. Lots of writers feel the same way, I believe. At least one successful writer (whose name escape me just now) goes so far as to say no one can write a book in the vicinity of an Internet connection. That may be no exaggeration.
At this point my Sara, as is her wont, interrupts. "All you need is self-discipline," she says.
Uh-huh. That's right. I don't even have the self-discipline to activate Freedom, a program I installed on my computers that allows you to disable your communications programs for anywhere up to eight hours at a time (see “Addictions, spinal deficiencies and disciplinary infinite regresses”).
But let's get back to my proposal, which will make both me and some obliging investor rich overnight. All I need is enough cash to buy and renovate a smallish hotel, preferably here in Bangkok.
Here's the deal. We subdivide the joint into windowless cells, each of them equipped with comfortable office chair, desk, adjustable lighting, cot, a basic toilet and washroom, coffee machine, and, by default, no Internet connection. Oh, yeah--and a solid door that unlocks only from the outside.
Just a prototype; we'd tart it up somewhat.
Whoa. We’ll have writers queuing up to pay our exorbitant rates for incarceration till they finish their book in draft or else cry uncle (for which we’ll charge them a hefty penalty). The punters can order food which, for modest charges, our staff will slip through a slot of the sort used in solitary confinement in all the best prisons. Writing supplies, computer repairs, etc. will be provided in the same way.
The real money, though—and this, I have to admit, is pure genius—will come from what we'll charge for temporary access to the Internet. Clients who just can't manage the cold-turkey route may submit a formal written request, agreeing to pay ridiculous sums by the minute for the privilege of being allowed online for a stipulated time. (Of course clients will also have to sign an initial agreement that protects us from charges of kidnapping and unlawful detention.)
So we provide a much-needed service for our age, amassing heaps of good karma at the same time we get obscenely rich.
This idea’s time has come. As I read Pico Iyer’s article, I kept feeling he was on the verge of stumbling upon it himself. I await good news from prospective investors.
Any good ideas for what to call this facility, which in my mind is already becoming an international chain? Mistress Muse's No Mercy Mansion isn't quite right, though it is pretty alliterative.
Karmic comeuppance impending
This is Thailand’s worst flood in 50 years and, judging only by the music and, perhaps, the fact that people didn’t have to check Twitter feeds every minute or so throughout, the 1942 version (video link) looked like lots more fun.
4.30pm. Mon. 24 October 2011. Up to the minute report from inner-city Bangkok (Soi Ari–Saphan Kwai).
A trickle of water is emerging from a drain on Phaholyothin Road in front of the Villa Ari complex; nothing else as far as I walked north. Walking east towards Khlong Prapas I found plenty of people building last-minute masonry walls in front of shophouses and suchlike. Khlong Prapas, richly brown and smelling of swamp, is surging seawards, but appears well short of spilling over. Blessedly, there’s been little rain these past days, and little predicted for the coming week.
Not to worry, in any case. I discover that the road along the canal is where tired taxi drivers go to sleep in their cars. How convenient. They'll now serve as an early-warning system— their radio despatchers can alert the FROC at the first incoming chorus of gurgles.
The houses on the other side of the road from the canal stand somewhat below the current water level. If it rose high enough to breach the above-the-embankment retaining walls, those people would suffer quite a dose of flooding indeed. Few of the houses have erected any defences beyond the burning of joss sticks; one especially affluent compound was having a wall erected.
There’s really only one real cause for alarm in my neighborhood. JS, a stubborn Englishman with a house on the next soi, a last hold-out, finally decided to move his car to high ground this afternoon.
In my inner-city neighborhood, the past few days have sometimes felt surreal. The weather’s been sunny, the streets are unusually clear of traffic, the birds are singing… It’s been downright idyllic. The local supermarkets even still stock food. (Though as of yesterday, latecomers were stuck with cases of Evian, all of the sensible bottled water having long since been grabbed up.) Yet all the while, only a few miles away, very large numbers of people are in misery. Farmers have lost their crops and had to flee their homes. Industrial workers are left without jobs or homes, their factories flooded and it’s anyone’s guess whether or when some will reopen. Some people are trapped up canals and rivers without supplies and rescue operations haven’t always had enough boats to reach them.
However unfair it may be, the guardian spirits of the hi-so may protect us after all, together with official flood relief operations that have concentrated on diverting the massive quantities of water from the north around the inner city and through the eastern and western suburbs. The areas north of the city, meanwhile, some of them already under water for several weeks, have (largely with good grace, it seems) served as catchment areas to protect the commercial and financial center of the country. Sound economic reasons are being advanced for this strategy, of course. And after the country dries out—in another month or two—we can expect to hear these reasons hotly defended against criticism from those who had to suffer more than they would otherwise have had to.
A special very wet hell for those who took too much and gave too little?
Sara, who's notoriously smarter than I am, is scuba diving in Khao Lak, way down south—kind of a theme vacation. I’ve elected to stay in Bangkok, in my eighth-floor eyrie, and pretend to accomplish constructive things.
Most of the time, though, I sit around feeling guilty, dithering about doing volunteer work stacking sandbags or helping evacuees with their stuff until it’s too dark to find my way to where I need to be. Besides which—and this isn’t mere self-serving rationalization—experience tells me my presence would set relief efforts back, instead of really helping. But the time each of my Thai co-workers in turn finishes the standard debriefing—where do I come from? Can I eat hot food? Do I have a Thai wife? How many children do I have?—the waters will have all run out to sea and we’ll be looking at a drought instead.
Though I did spend part of my Sunday helping an expat family move their (heavy) furniture upstairs, just as a precaution. And given my sense of civic responsibility plus good gastronomic judgment, I haven’t hoarded any Mama noodles, though I do have a pretty good stash of peanut butter and Japanese green tea.
Of course such flippancy is bound to lead to my karmic comeuppance, and I think I should just leave things there.
2011 flood photo: Daniel Berehulak - Getty.
Hope in dark times
Just when things couldn't get any worse, they did. But it turned out they didn't really, and Sara's right, I worry too much.
I've just come back into my office, and I heard this horrible rasping from the left wing of my iMac. My mind is going, "It's the fan, right? It can't be the hard drive, it can't be the hard drive, aiyeeeee."
Careful investigation has revealed the real problem. I had an online jazz station playing, way down low, and what I heard was the drummer's hi-hat going tska-tska-tska and scaring the shit out of me.
Earlier case of falling-sky syndrome.
Worrywart (alt. worry wart) from eymonline.com: 1956, from comic strip "Out Our Way" by U.S. cartoonist J.R. Williams (1888-1957). According to those familiar with the strip, Worry Wart was the name of a character who caused others to worry, ... the inverse of the current colloquial meaning. The Word Detective has more.
Home-grown back therapies rool!
Caption: Our adventurer, with his new office chair, just after summiting the roof of his apartment building five times in a row without oxygen.
Breaking news on the old-crockish falling-apart front: I've just cured a rogue back, gone bad in the prime o’ me loif and all, by giving my office chair to the guard downstairs in favor of sitting on an exercise ball at my desktop computer, alternating this with standing at my filing cabinet with a laptop on a shelving plank resting across the second drawer from the top. The rest of the self-prescribed therapy has entailed running up and down the fire-escape stairs till I'm all fucked up.
And it has worked. One day last week I had trouble getting off a bed; now I appear to be fighting fit.
But the really good news is that I narrowly missed paying 45,000 baht for an Aeron ergonomic office chair instead. (Cost of alternative therapy: 450 baht for the 75cm exercise ball—that’s 100 times less than the Aeron technological miracle.) Medical note: That makes me feel good all over, not just in the back area.
By way of celebration, Sara yesterday bought a leather-upholstered lounger for the living room, which means I now have a third work station.
A link just provided by Jeff the Giant Anthopologist, the NY Times on what to do with a back.
Here's a theme song I can safely pack away for future reference, sometime way down the road, I hope:
Ain’t Gonna Need This House No Longer (Stuart Hamblen)
And an extra, added bonus, only because I like it:
Truckin' (The Grateful Dead).
Grundnorm of writing style
Dorothy Parker's opinion of the most widely recognized writing style manual in the English language:
"If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they're happy."
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But those who nevertheless persevere and do become writers should understand this: One cardinal principle underlies all other rules of style, including those presented by Strunk and White. The Grundnorm of style is simply this:
Make the reader’s job as easy as you can without losing anything you wish to communicate.
Basically, that in turn suggests you ensure maximum profluence. Good writers smooth out the speed bumps—they look for any problems readers might encounter before they encounter them and resolve them in advance. They get the writing out of the way of the reading. This goes some way towards defining good prose, and provides a general guide for revision and editing.
Do Strunk and White's guidelines still apply, a half-century after they first appeared in print? Mostly yes, I believe. And some recent quibbles with Strunk & White’s classic Elements of Style may miss the real point: Any rule of style, in every instance of its application, should be measured against both our Grundnorm and a corollory to this rule:
Rules of style can only be rules of thumb.
Good writers break the rules
Rules of style are maxims. They may be broken at will by competent writers. (Though competent writers will on some level recognize that they’re breaking a rule, and understand why.)
To some extent, this applies even to our Grundnorm. Just think—if writers were to apply it too rigorously, no one would ever get to read such modern classics as Infinite Jest.
For all kinds of reasons, writers may well decide they want to bring the reader up short. The essence of humor, for example, is presenting the audience with something problematic, something that appears wrong, somehow, and in its resolution evokes laughter.
Arresting the reader in mid-flow for comic effect can work. In other cases, however, we get people, many of them graduates of creative writing courses, who scatter arresting images throughout their prose, often winning big points for originality and negative scores for style. Where readers are stopping to wonder at the novelty of some turn of phrase, perhaps mentally congratulating the author, they may then need to go back and pick up the thread again. This generally suggests a failure of style.
Yet someone like David Foster Wallace routinely makes this sort of thing work. At one point in Infinite Jest, e.g., he uses “cabbage” as a transitive verb to describe a character separating a plastic garbage bag from its companions and pulling it out from under a sink. Never mind the image of someone “cabbaging” a garbage bag stopped me in my tracks, I have to concede Wallace knew what he was doing. With this book, the reader quickly grows accustomed to stopping and admiring the language, taking pleasure in the story phrase by phrase, clause by clause, page by page (for quite a considerable number of pages, in fact, including a whole lot of notes at the end of the book, some of which contain notes within notes within notes). In fact, I frequently had to re-read passages to pick up the thread again, but I didn’t mind, acknowledging that Wallace’s prose made this worthwhile.
For lesser mortals, though, such devices are normally ill-advised, no matter how accurate the expressions might appear. A book such as Infinite Jest presents a special case, where readers are already accustomed to exploring every sentence and phrase as an adventure.
Some writers ignore the rules
Then we have writers such as Hegel. He had no sense of writing style whatsoever and didn’t care. He was too busy working out the entire structure of existence—preferably, it can seem, in one sentence. Lots of people read him anyway, seduced by the intellectual adventure or maybe the need to pass a university course.
Hegel specialized in philosophical tomes. Embarking on a novel of ideas, however, is a dangerous tack for any writer to take. It makes creating real characters convincingly enmeshed in compelling dramatic situations even more difficult a task than it usually is. Thomas Mann pulled it off pretty consistently, and so did some others, though their names aren’t leaping to mind this foggy Sunday morning.
"A good writer is basically a story teller, not a scholar or a redeemer of mankind. "
In a similar vein, though I can’t find the quote, Singer has suggested somewhere else that if fiction writers set out to communicate great ideas for our age, they’ll most likely produce a bollix. If they merely sit down to write ripping good yarns, on the other hand, they may be surprised at how universal messages for humankind emerge from their stories.
So, Sara asks me, why am I writing The Proteant Enigmass? To the extent MOM worked, that was mainly luck.
Concluding note. A gang of Eastern European philosophers once told me, in Dubrovnik as it happens, that they preferred to read Hegel in English, and to heck with the notorious impossibility of finding precise English equivalents for some of the German expressions Hegel used. To whatever extent that was true, the problem was outweighed by another consideration: professional translators actually tried to make the overall prose as intelligible as possible, and generally succeeded better than Hegel ever had.
Maybe to prove they were real philosophers, some of these heavy thinkers brought with them large unlabeled bottles of what they called Polish drink. “Is good!” they said, and it was.
I mention this anecdote only to suggest that I’m a real writer—a hairy-chested, two-fisted specimen of the old school—and to dispel disturbing and persistent rumors regarding my teetotal disposition.
Another concluding note. Re-reading the above, I see that the mere thought of Hegel has perverted my own style, and I blame him. Not that I really have to shirk responsibility, since nearly no one will read this far anyway.
Collin still evolving: Surgical revision rools, OK!
“Does this mean you’re going to live to be 125?” my Sara asks. Her voice remains carefully neutral, non-accusatory.
The good news: All I need to do is drop a few kilos, I’m told, and I’ll have an overall fitness age somewhere in my mid-20s. (“Fitness age,” I have to imagine, refers to something like “health-span,” which is enjoying some currency among transhumanists and their ilk. More on that in a later post.)
The bad news: a) I can’t afford to live as long as that suggests I might, and b) no matter how healthy my heart and lungs and so on might be, the rest of my carcase is falling apart.
Sometimes, these days, I feel as though surgeons with scalpels are circling like hungry wolves. Or as though Mexican bandits have invited me to a knife fight where everyone gets a knife except me. A quick history of my surgical revisions over recent years: lasiked eyes, well worth the money; a two-tooth bridge I can’t bring myself to wear, no matter the dentist tells me that, if I don’t, my whole head will probably disintegrate; surgery for a hammer toe; and, only a few months ago, removal from my back of a benign cyst the size of a pirogi. (I won’t even mention the reduction of a “hydrocele” that I’d been afraid was testicular cancer, and the surgeon’s sympathy when I asked whether, instead of reducing this magificent item, he couldn’t instead pump the other one up to match. Alas. Medical concerns were to override cosmetic considerations.)
Two years ago I was also advised I should have surgery on a knee. Instead, I’ve chosen to stave this off with a kind of physical regimen. Various naysayers have promised me that my home-grown therapy, which includes jogging 40-50 floors in our apartment building a few times a week, is actually setting me up for knee-replacement surgery instead of terpsichorean stardom. (Yeah, that word just popped out of nowhere, much like my hernia… What hernia? Read on.)
“Don’t be a moron,” Sara advised me. “Get some professional advice.”
So I asked around till someone recommended I talk to Sandy, the manager at the Clark Hatch fitness center on Thaniya Road, a crackerjack personal trainer and wellness coach who is also a muay thai instructor and competitor and generally unafraid to see her clients sweat a little. (See below.)
After careful examination, she okayed my approach to life in general, but suggested ways I could be kinder to my knees while doing my various things. In fact, she said she could cure me of walking like a Neanderthal, if I liked, and this might improve some dimensions of my existence, both physical and social.
Then she asked me to show her the other procedures to which I’d been subjecting my body. As soon as I went into my patented abdominals workout, she hollered, “Whoa!”
“What ho?”
“You have a hernia,” she said.
“No, I don’t,” I said.
“Yes, you do,” she said.
And so it went till the authority in her voice overwhelmed the skepticism in mine, and I consulted one of the circling surgeons.
“You have a hernia,” he said.
It didn’t hurt at all, but I now had to admit that, when I did certain exercises, a balloony thing reminiscent of the creature in Alien emerged from just below my solar plexus. Till then I’d chosen, the way one does, to ignore this phenomenon.
In a nutshell: my ab routines and other exercises had been exacerbating an old motorcycle-accident injury, and the muscles high in my chest had been gradually separating to the point I might soon have been able to pop my liver out on the coffee table as a conversation piece at cocktail parties.
Sandy tells me that there are three layers of muscle in my abdomen, and, for some reason, my innermost layer had been skiving off while I did many of my exercises, which made it progressively more likely I was going to give birth to this alien. So now she’s having me perform obscure rituals to rewire my brain and body, making sure all my abs become team players, thereby containing the alien and, as a bonus, contributing to the “let’s turn this Neanderthal into something more modern" program.
Never mind my youthful fitness age. Here’s this hernia that has popped up out of nowhere. The surgery, which I’ll have next month, is an overnighter. I should be able to go back to doing everything I was doing before within about six weeks, except, with Sandy’s guidance, I’ll be doing it better. And Bob’s yer uncle, as Leary might say.
But what’s next? Where will it all end? Oh, yeah. Now I remember. Those worms waiting in line just behind the surgeons.
Never mind. I realize all this is pretty minor, as such things go, and I’m not really complaining.
“So whining isn’t complaining?” Sara asks me.
_____________
Writerly occupational hazards: Addictions, spinal deficiencies, and disciplinary infinite regresses
One writer, however much tongue in cheek, has actually expressed admiration for addicts:
I admire addicts. In a world where everybody is waiting for some blind, random disaster, or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He's taken some control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of death from being a total surprise. ~ Chuck Palahniuk
Overall, though, even Palahniuk would probably concede that this advantage—a modicum of autonomy regarding the nature of your eventual passing (a half-assed sort of “suicide,” in plain terms)—is generally outweighed by a range of ill effects.
Traditionally, writers have too often succumbed to the temptations of drink, drugs and complicated women (or men). Among modern writers, however, the Internet threatens to become the biggest killer of creativity and real social lives. (Have a look, e.g., at Edward Tenner’s review in the Wilson Quarterly of recent books arguing two sides of the issue: The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains, by Nicholas Carr, and Cognitive Surplus: Creativity and Generosity in a Connected Age, by Clay Shirky.)
Online existence becomes ever-more seductive at the same time concern grows at what harm it might be doing us. What isn’t at issue: In this brave new digital universe we inhabit, we tend to bathe our brains in a heady punch of dopamine (see, e.g., Psychology Today) and dangerous stress-induced chemicals (seen New York Times story). Parked there in front of your computer browsing the Web and answering e-mail, you can launch yourself on a fine gonzo adventure complete with “natural” uppers and downers and hangovers, not to mention disaffected better halves and everything.
My own Internet addiction has maybe left enough of a concentration span to compose haikus:
You have mail
Delivery vehicles,
Every e-mail
A dopamine fix.
Novels, on the other hand, require more attention. Unfortunately, my various projects mean I can't go cold turkey with the Internet, but I do need to find some way of disciplining myself. Something more effective than Sara's Rx.
"Just be more disciplined," she tells me.
Right.
I recently installed a program called Freedom, which is supposed to make discipline unnecessary. And it really works—you tell it how many hours you want to be independent of the Internet, and it forbids you access to all your communication programs for exactly that long. Plead and weep as much as you like; tell Freedom that Hollywood might be trying to e-mail you right now with an offer that expires in 20 minutes. There’s nothing you can do to change its mind. No recourse. Other than to go to your other computer, where you were careful not to install Freedom. Or simply refuse to activate Freedom. You may forget for months at a time, as I have, that you even have this program that set you back $15.
Now Sara tells me, “Just be more disciplined. Force yourself to activate Freedom every morning before you start your day.”
Right. But where do I find a program that activates Freedom automatically?
Life is terrifying
How's the new year going for you guys? I had a piece of exercise equipment, in a somewhat inauspicious vein, try to crush my skull about 7am on the morning of January the first. Ever since, I've been reflecting on the fact that, just when you least expect it, irony can leap out and mash you. I hope, despite appearances, that incident wasn't a harbinger of things to come in 2011.
Given the fact I was almost bitten to death by an exercise machine—right at the outset of my New Year’s kick-start to an exercise campaign—I have concluded there's no point in trying to second-guess the Grim Reaper. That bugger is liable to pop up out of the least likely places at the most unexpected times.
What I’m saying is, if the weight machine doesn’t get you, then the saxophone spittle will—here’s something Bill the Mathematician has just sent me: Saxophonists die younger. I have a friend who's a jazz saxophonist, but I'm reluctant to pass on this information for fear it messes with his style, or turns him into a guitarist or something. Just as my recent encounter with a weight machine has turned me towards yoga. (Not really, for the actual moral of this story is rock on, because there’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, so you’d might as well have a good time en route to your final end.)
Does the weight-machine attack fall under the category of “random structural violence”? Or just plain boneheadedness?
“Why didn’t you check the equipment first?” Sara asks me, with special reference to the cable that snapped with a loud bang, releasing 120 kilos’ worth of weights and thereby slamming metal bars into either side of my head. Two inches lower, and the pincer on the right side might well have killed me. (One day I’ll relate the story of an accident I once had riding a rental motorbike on Phuket, and how I was surprised to find, later, that the front tire, the cause of this mishap, wasn’t much more substantial than tissue paper. “And what was I telling you?” says Sara.) In any case, I don’t go around lifting weights as a rule, and it never occurred to me this apparatus might have some other agenda.
The truly unfortunate part of the crushed head thing is that this didn’t happen in California, where I’d be on easy street for the rest of my life. But given the way the year has started out, I’ll probably be asked to pay for a new cable.
Who mocks T. Mockingbird
In my last post, I discussed the mindful appreciation of a novel tequila experience, one that might even be good for you. Who knows? Our test subjects felt better after taking it, at least, and they were all still alive the next morning.
My earlier “Magic potion revealed!” had for months been a leading magnet for visitors to this site; “T. Mockingbird” promises to be an even bigger draw, which leads one to wonder whether the therapeutic properties of tequila are more widely appreciated than are those of cinnamon and turmeric.
But one commentator, he calls himself “Osho,” suggests my claims for T. Mockingbird are rubbish, and nothing beats laow khao mixed with wine cooler. The one time I tried this, at Osho’s instigation, it took three days to get the taste out of my mouth. The only equivalent experience I can remember was once (long before I met Sara) when I was moved, in a fairly congenial mood, to lick the sun-warmed thigh of a woman on a tropical Asian beach only to discover, too late, that she had earlier applied a roll-on mosquito repellent. Supposing mosquitoes responded the same way I did, that was the hydrogen bomb of insect repellents. It was nearly as vile as laow khao/wine coolers. The mere thought triggers flashbacks.
Yet “Osho” says his potion has much else to teach us.
For Jeff the Giant Anthropologist’s advice on therapeutic uses of laow khao, see "Live long & strong with yaa dongPlus."
Some impulse led me to google “Tequila Mockingbird” this morning. Guess what? I got nearly 62,000 hits—everything from drink recipes to rock bands and restaurants. But this is merely an instance of a good idea recurring, and recurring, in what is on its way to becoming our collective consciousness.
Painting by Jacob Lawrence.
Tequila Mockingbird: Magic potion divinely inspired
The secret potion I revealed several months ago has proven a great success, in terms of interested visitors from around the world. And the world should rejoice, for yet another formula has recently come to me in a vision. Preliminary testing is complete. 
Tequila Mockingbird (serves 4-6)
Tequila 500ml
Dried & roasted hot chili peppers 4-5 or to taste
Chaser/antidote
Lime juice 500ml
Sugar 4 tblsps or to taste
Salt 2 tspns to mix in
Coarse salt enough to rime the rim of the glass
Crushed ice Whatever it takes
Preparation. Pour the tequila into a small saucepan (the smaller the surface area exposed, to a point, the less alcohol lost to the atmosphere). Pour gently so as not to offend the ancient spirits of the Aztecs by bruising this much under-rated liquor. Add the dried chili peppers. Only now should you turn on the heat, gradually warming the mixture till it’s about to simmer. As soon as you notice tiny bubbles ascending, turn the heat down slightly. Coddle the chilies for 3 minutes. Then turn the heat way up, watching carefully till you spot the first enthusiastic bubbles. Turn the heat off immediately and let the mixture sit for a few seconds. Remove the chilis and pour the liquid into pre-warmed old-fashioned glasses.
Administering it. Gaze mindfully at the elixir for a moment. Then andale, andale before it cools, slam it straight down the hatch. You can mutter ai cariba if you like. Clutch a handful of crushed ice to your forehead.
This next part is important. Don’t stop to wipe at your eyes (especially if you’ve been handling the chilis). Don’t say anything more. Just reach for the chaser and shoot it back, but don’t swallow any of it till you’ve swished it around a bit. Gargle if you feel like it. Then swallow.
Review the situation. Do you feel transformed? Or should you prepare another dose right away?
Post-elixir discipline. Adopt a secure and comfortable position where you can remain awake and alert while you attend mindfully to the ensuing mental, physical and, quite possibly, spiritual sensations. Recall the ying and yang of hot on your palate and cold on your forehead. Reflect on the persistent burr in mouth and throat, the sense of heightened preparedness for whatever other novelties your adjacent future might hold in store.
Consider the notion that, if the first dose has done this much good, a second dose therefore ought to be twice as beneficial. Hold this idea firmly in mind as you reflect on its sources and likely karmic effects, as well as on what your mother always told you about not being such a jackass.
Don’t try to operate heavy equipment for some hours after partaking of this stuff. Neither should you perform Morris dancing on icy surfaces.
After you opt for that second dose, reflect extra mindfully, with whatever mind remains at your disposal, on the potential merits of a third shot. You should wait at least half an hour, and possibly until your mother contacts you, before doing anything rash. If you’ve adopted a post-elixir meditative position higher than the floor, don’t fall off it.
Tests in progress. I have no formal medical training, and accept no liability for unforeseen consequences of imbibing this particular potion. But see the following comments from people who engaged in clinical trials at our dinner party last night:
“It’s good.” (The charming Carmen, a woman of keenly developed sensibilities and much discernment.)
“It’s making my throat burn.” (Ken, Carmen’s husband, an experienced journalist and editor with finely honed observational faculties.)
“I think I see something!” (Susan, novelist and connoisseur.)
“I don’t believe we can judge adequately from just one of these.” (Brad, Susan’s husband, a vastly experienced journalist and by
nature a careful man. Inspired by the elixir itself, Brad immediately dubbed this potion “Tequila Mockingbird”. And so it shall be called.)
“Hm.” (My Sara, her expression suggesting, to me at least, that she no longer thought I was quite the idiot she suspected I must be when first I proposed this concoction.)
All experimental subjects have reported in alive this morning, and claim to be enjoying this fine winter’s day in Bangkok, though they are reluctant to attribute the excellent weather itself to T. Mockingbird.
Clinical trials are ongoing. In the meantime, both Jeff the Giant Anthropologist and Bill the Mathematician agree that therapeutic effects might well include the triggering of endorphins by the capsaicin in the chili peppers, while the alcohol surely opens the capillaries and pores and things to that and all manner of other beneficial effects emanating from both your internal and external environments (potentially, e.g., the auras of people who earlier seemed less attractive). The vitamin C in the lime can’t hurt, while the combination of salt and sugar tastes good, especially to people accustomed to drinking Thai nam menow, the refreshing local lime juice concoction. Both the acid in the lime and the salt also react chemically to help neutralize the chili heat. (Reduce the salt in proportion to the extent you’ve been living in Thailand or maybe Mexico and hence wish to conserve the chili heat, addicted as you are to the accompanying endorphin rush.)
Do not drive a vehicle under the influence of this potion. Don’t even think about it.
Happy holidays.
Pale precursors to T. Mockingbird, I discover, include "Devils Water" seven pepper-infused tequila, although this is neither prepared over heat nor served hot.
I love this compendium of tequila's therapeutic effects. (No doubt you’ve all heard it before; it has been floating around the Web for a year or two.)









