Free snake oil!

Remember what I said last time about Bibi Bulambowitz and all things New Agey? Yeah, well. I have a confession.

It’s as though Stephen Hawking has admitted he uses a Ouija board to explore black holes. So shameful is this admission, in fact, that I wouldn’t post it here did I not know almost no one visits my blog anyway, and one of the regulars calls himself Osho. Are you ready for this? I drink a magic potion every morning before breakfast.

Here, I should refer you to an earlier blog installment (“Sons of the Undead: Lives of the Pre-dead Zombies”, 13 June 2010). And, just to follow up, I recently needed a medical certificate, and thought I’d ask the doctor to check my blood sugar again while she was at it. Just to see what was what, and make sure I was still much healthier than I ought to be. My blood, as it turned out, continued to resemble a pure mountain spring, my metabolism a sugar-processing dynamo. I believe she was disappointed. “Now, Mr. Piprell. This is good. But you should still watch your diet, okay?” I.e. cut down on bread, rice, pasta, potatoes—all the main food groups. Yeah, sure.

But to get back to my magic potion—how much does this explain my counter-intuitively clean blood? And how much does it call into question the efficacy of Bibi’s vitamin C cure for all ills respiratory? (That cold/flu never did win–see my last post.)

Hell, I’d might as well ’fess all the way up. This potion could account for the disappearance of what I’d decided was arthritis in two finger joints, the fading of a wee patch of psoriasis on my face, the fact I have no cancer I’m aware of, the absence of Basque terrorists in my garden, and my discovery of a 50-baht note in a book I’ve long meant to re-read.

What is this magic potion? … Whoa. Look at the time. I’ve got to run.

I’ll reveal all next time, okay? (Sara says I should patent it and we can finally buy that beach-house in Portugal, but some New Agey impulse tells me I must freely share this information with humankind. At the same time, I accept no liability whatsoever for Basques in your garden, terrorists or not, or for medical conditions that persist or, perhaps, even thrive on this supposed panacea.)

Wait. Did I mention my potion might also be an effective appetite suppressant?

2 thoughts on “Free snake oil!

  1. Look forward to seeing it. As long as it doesn’t contain the usual snake oil ingredients, you know: garlic, lime, green tea, red wine, and dark chocolate. Wait a minute! That sounds pretty good!!!

    • Sounds as though you’ve got the makings of an elixir of your own. Just stir all these ingredients together, toss in some eye of newt and garnish with big tabs of vitamin C. Wait–reserve the wine in a separate container, preferably a crystal balloon glass, so you have something with which to wash down all that other good stuff. Yeah, that should cover any problems my magic potion misses.

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