Apocalyptic cosmophobia

Jack, here. Looking back at the earlier exchange (22 April 2010) between Collin, S. Tsow and “Osho”—and then looking at Collin’s notion (today) that the iPad will end human existence as we’ve known it—I reckon the following is apropos.

Apocalyptic cosmophobia.

Just roll that one around on your tongue. A genuine cocktail party conversation stopper. DAVE BERRY HAS PROBABLY ALREADY USED IT TO NAME A NEW ROCK BAND.

Apocalyptic cosmophobia may first have been used to refer to popular readings of Mayan mythology that conclude everything is supposed to get much worse than it is already in the year 2012, maybe even come to a complete end.

Then, several months ago, before they got the failing Large Hadron Collider all fixed up again, The Telegraph reportedl this gadget might be suffering sabotage from the future, citing one source who suggested that God (or Nature) may actually abhor the Higgs boson. According to this theory, forces from the future have travelled back to prevent the LHC, in its search for the Higgs boson and other, even less determinate things, from ending existence as we know it. Even if it does turn out it was God who intervened in early LHC experiments, or maybe only some advanced dudes from the future, was this only a case of apocalyptic cosmophobia, or did they really avert the apocalypse?

Some might claim I’m enough of a hack writer, I don’t need to be a hack scientist as well, but I believe the above notions suggest an interesting connection. The evolutionary biologist J.B.S. Haldane reportedly speculated that God, if He existed, had “an inordinate fondness for beetles,” given how many species of these buggers inhabited the world (at least 450,000). So here’s the thing: Are incidences of Higgs bosons and beetles inversely related, and might this lead to empirical evidence for the existence of God? Will a Creationist be in line to win the Nobel Prize? Could it be (with a nod to Eric Von Daniken) that we will one day be visited by a vast plague of beetles, probably from the future and all sorts of parallel universes, making the Creator and magpies everywhere happy while pissing off the picnickers?

Such are the thoughts that occupy me, when I should instead be doing something constructive. In my own defense, I have something like a hangover, and if we’re looking at the Apocalypse, in whatever guise, I say bring it on.

“If one could conclude as to the nature of the Creator from a study of his creation it would appear that God has a special fondness for stars and beetles.” – J.S.B. Haldane (This quote appears in a variety of versions. Apocryphal or not, this was just one of many from this fount of bon mots.)

“We ridicule the unstoppable will of the Higgs Boson at our own peril.” – Eddie Potato

2 thoughts on “Apocalyptic cosmophobia”

  1. Brilliant. Keep it up and I’m going to invite you to accompany Rodman on his next visit to Pyongyang — or better yet, come in his stead. I’m getting tired of his constant focus on basketball and pussy.

    • Thanks for the invitation. I don’t know anything about basketball, I should warn you, but I know lots about eccentricity. So we should get along swimmingly.

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